Did you ever get a haircut and there’s a bit more of a spring in your step after? Or maybe you get dressed up to go to the theater and there’s something about the well-polished shoes and the crisp shirt and you feel just a little brighter, a bit lighter, as if you’re stepping into some old musical or something.
There are a hundred little things that can elevate your mood – for me it might be a new book, or the feeling I get after finishing the crossword. Silly little things, but they give me a sense of peace and contentment.
You take Cody, and you have a sullen, quiet boy – someone who acts like a young teen maybe rather than a 20-year old – not exactly moody, but with a slight slouch, and down-turned eyes, and a way of responding with shrugs or nods. And you figure a new skateboard or a night with a good movie would cheer him up. Bring that spring back to his step.
But it turns out that it’s by putting him in a diaper that he’s transformed.
There was a special magic in those hours after I diapered Cody that first time.
I’ll probably never be able to explain it.
I knew that there was something inside me that wanted to care for the kid, and that the feeling had been triggered by those days when I had realized he was wearing diapers as he sat next to me by the pool, those friendly chats punctuated now and then by the crinkle sound of his diapers as he shifted in his chair.
There had been the mystery of why he was wearing them, and then the mystery of why he had stopped. And even though things became clear when I chatted with his gramma Joan, the mystery of why I wanted to diaper the boy was left trailing.
Whether Joan and I could figure out the reason that a 20-year old still went through phases where he wet his pants at the mall, or his bed at night, we’d have to see – and I was going to get him back into diapers and try to draw it out of him.
But whether I could explain to myself the powerful feelings that came over me as I taped up his diaper and checked to see that it was secure and snug – well, it was like communicating in a language without words, and there was something that passed between Cody and I that would take some time to give a name.
With his diaper nice and snug, Cody lay there for a second looking up at me, and I felt a sense of tenderness and, well, something pretty close to joy.
“How about you show me how to run that XBox,” I said to him and with a little nod he rotated around and sat at the edge of the bed, his diapers making a loud crinkling noise which for some reason made my heart feel like it had skipped a beat.
He stopped and stared down at his feet or something and then looked up at me and asked shyly “Um, what about my jeans?”
“I don’t think those will fit over the diapers,” I said, barely hesitating. “I think you’re OK in just a diaper don’t you?”
And then he gave me a look that was somewhere between a blush and a huge grin and then hopped to his feet and turned to give me an unexpected hug.
I was a bit surprised at first, but I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his small body in my arms, and instinctively pat his diapered bum.
From Young Man to a Kid
So you might think that if you find yourself sitting beside someone dressed in just a shirt and a diaper that you’d have a hard time noticing anything else.
The scene was hardly your typical night at home, and a few months before I never could have imagined myself sitting on the floor in front of my couch beside a young guy, let alone one in diaper. And yet there was something natural about the whole thing.
It was as if Cody and I were picking up a conversation that we had left off – he was more relaxed, casual, happy even. And as he tried to guide me, without a lot of luck I’ll admit, through the strange intricacies of playing video games, there was an enthusiasm in his voice and eyes that I had sorely missed.
Now, I wasn’t much of a student when it came to the video game – eventually I gave up and told him I’d prefer to watch and learn than try to figure out all the little buttons on the controller. But maybe it let me sit back and be a student of HIM.
I wondered what was going through his mind. I wondered if he was aware of being diapered – his focus on the game seemed to suggest he wasn’t but surely you don’t find yourself diapered by your next door neighbor and then switch gears so quickly.
I slipped up to sit on the couch as Cody sat on the floor next to me, and I watched his body language. When he’d get through a level or score bonus points or whatever he was doing, he’d turn to me with a big smile and I’d smile back – I wasn’t sure if he was proud of his skill, or wanted ME to be proud.
Every now and then, he’d lean against my leg as a level loaded or the game played some kind of video scene and then he’d tilt his head slightly and, well, almost blush or something.
I wasn’t sure what to make of the boy.
And maybe that was it – because I was thinking of him as a boy rather than a young adult with all of the adult thoughts and fears, responsibilities and need for autonomy.
And it wasn’t the diapers that he was wearing that gave me that feeling, although maybe the act of diapering him had opened up the doors a little. Rather, it was the gestures, the smiles, the bright eyes – a sullen young man had shown up at my door, but it felt like there was a kid now in front of me, one who was lost in the simple joy of play.
A Wet Diaper
It was a nice time. I had missed the Cody I had come to know, and now it felt like he was back.
There was an easy sort of energy. It didn’t seem to hold expectations or any sense of being awkward or uneasy.
And so it didn’t really surprise me when he turned to me and said, in as casual a tone as if he was telling me some little trick to the video game: “I need to pee pee” is what he said, and I felt a little flutter in my stomach at the term he used, I don’t know why.
I leaned forward slightly and tousled his hair.
“You can use your diaper, Cody,” I said. “That’s what it’s for.”
I suppose it was unexpected but on the other hand nothing about Cody had been expected. I had been going on the assumption that the wet bed or pants were accidents. And maybe they were. So his comment and my reply, if I had taken time to think about it, might have left me scrambling to figure out the reasons or the correct response – but instead, I just answered based on instinct.
So what it meant I had no idea. He clearly knew he needed to go. So maybe there was something new happening here. Or maybe he had wet his diapers on purpose before.
So when he sort of slouched out a little on the floor in front of me, the video game controller up against his chest as he continued to play the game and his legs splayed out a little, I wasn’t sure if it made it easier for him or he needed to be more relaxed or in a specific position.
But part of the result was that I could look down at the boy and see the clean white diaper hugging his body, and could watch as the boy seemed to curl into itself somehow – not literally, but as if he was more INSIDE himself somehow. His attention to the game seemed to slip into auto-pilot and there was something in his expression that wasn’t exactly concentration, but a focus on some other distant kind of place.
And then he wet.
And adding to all of the other feelings I had that night, this was another one that I’d probably never find words to match. Because there’s no rational way to explain, I don’t think, what I can only describe as a sense of pride, and yearning, and contentment, and….of being right with the world because Cody was wetting his diaper.
You know, I don’t think there are words. Because I don’t need to rationalize it or explain it. There was something connected and meaningful and that’s all there is to it.
From that first little splotch at the front of his diaper to the spreading patch of wetness to the moment when his diaper was fully soaked, glistening almost at first and then darkening as the thirsty diaper soaked up the boy’s urine – I felt as if there was some strange and nameless connection between us that was strengthening in those moments.
And then, with a wet diaper no doubt warm and squishy between his legs, his body seemingly floppy and in a state that was beyond relaxed, I leaned down and kissed his cheek.
“You’re such a good boy,” I said.
And there was no more simple truth than that.